Conversing with strangers

Have you ever struck up a conversation with—or tried to avoid a conversation with—the person sitting next to you on a plane? When we travel, we are surrounded by strangers, the vast majority of whom we will never see again. Sometimes conversation can be pleasant, other times we just want to be left alone. As antebellum Americans ventured into new types of travel, they, too, thought about how to deal with strangers they met en route.

Etiquette guides agreed that speaking to a stranger was acceptable. However, etiquette guides also frowned upon continuing any familiarity after the journey was over. For example, a 1838 guide told women that if a man introduced himself in a “proper and respectful manner,” then the woman could “respond with politeness, ease, and dignity.” However, the acquaintance established on a steamboat or train should not extend beyond the trip itself. The same guide informed readers that any acquaintanceships “must cease where they began,” and having a conversation on transportation “does not give you a right to after recognition.” (Etiquette for Ladies; with Hints on the Preservation, Improvement, and Display of Female Beauty [Philadelphia: Carey, Lea & Blanchard, 1838], 11, 12) Another guide published six years later concurred. People who meet while traveling “have no claim more than a passing bow if you afterwards find that the acquaintanceship is not particularly desirable.” (A Lady of New York, Etiquette for Ladies; A Manual of the Most Approved Rules of Conduct in Polished Society, for Married and Unmarried Ladies [New York: Burgess, Stringer, and Co., 1844], 12 [American Antiquarian Society]) If two people who had conversed on a train later met on a street corner, they were under no obligation to strike up a conversation again, nor did they have further social obligations to each other. The temporary nature of the acquaintance provided an easy “out” if the strangers' company proved distasteful.